*Insert Witty Title Here*

Tumblr is a wonderful thing. Not just because it’s entertaining and a good way to waste time, but because it’s a place I can rant. I can bitch about whatever the fuck I want to and I don’t have to worry about hurting feelings or censoring myself. So here goes…

I hate so much in my life, it’s actually kind of ridiculous. And it seems that every day, I find something else that annoys the flying fuck out of me either in life or in myself.

The problem is, the annoyance and dislike of things really affects me.

Example: I don’t want kids. Not just because I REALLY don’t want to go through pregnancy and all that, and I don’t want to raise them, etc etc. I don’t want kids because I’m worried as hell that I’d fuck them up like my biological mother fucked me up for so long. It absolutely TERRIFIES me. I still have nightmares about that woman, like ‘waking up in a sweat, forget sleeping the rest of the night, shake you the fuck up’ kinda nightmares.

I have managed to fuck up every good thing in my life so far, somehow. Either I’ve cared too much, I haven’t cared enough, or something.

I REFUSE to fuck up my relationship. I have the most amazing man in the world who loves me so much and who I love more than anything in the world, and it’s one of the only things in my life that isn’t…broken. 

Everyday: I wake up, I put on some comfy clothes. I go work out. I come home and get ready for work. I go to work. I come home and have dinner. I shower and put on pajamas. I sit in my room, listen to music and write. I sleep.

Everything is just a routine, it’s boring. I go through the motions and no one seems to give enough of a fuck to realize it. My mother is so wrapped up in her own needy bitch-ness, she doesn’t seem to get that the day I turn 18, I’m getting the hell out. She EXPECTS me to stay cause that’s the NICE thing to do. She wants me to stay here, go to college and major in what SHE wants me to.

I have my own dreams, my own goals, and they aren’t hers. She wants me to be a psychologist or doctor, I want to go to culinary school. She wants what will make me the most money, no matter if I like it or not. I want what makes me happy. I don’t wanna get up every morning and hate the day until I get home. I wanna get up and not wait to get to work. I want to LOVE what I spend my days doing. Is that really so awful? I’d rather be poor and happy, than rich as fuck and hate my job.

I don’t want to be here, in this house, this town. It’s a bad environment, a depressing, decrepit, pathetic environment. You can’t be happy here. I refuse to tie myself to this awful place and grow into a bitter, unhappy woman.

Only 106 days, 2 hours and 25ish minutes until I am no longer obligated to be here. 

Is it really so wrong to want to be somewhere where you can just be happy? To be surrounded by love instead of hate and bitterness? 

…

I didn’t think so.

Random facts.

• FUCK what my mother wants, I was accepted to Texas Culinary Academy in Austin, and I don’t give a damn what she wants, I’m going THERE next fall.

• I’m moving the fuck out my 18th birthday.

• I’m tired of being everyone else’s BITCH and getting stepped on and not appreciated. Well you can bet your sweet ass that bullshit is OVER. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

• I’m a DEMOCRAT.

- That doesn’t mean I’m an Obama lover.

- I think homosexuals have RIGHTS. It’s not a heterosexual PRIVILEGE to be able to get married. They say letting homosexuals get married will ruin the sanctity of marriage, well NEWSFLASH, straight people fucked up the sanctity of it a LONG time ago.

- I’m pro-CHOICE. I wouldn’t personally have an abortion, but I don’t think it’s right to push your choices and opinions on other people. If they want one, let them get one, it’s not your fucking business, it’s a decision THEY will have to live with the rest of their life, so it’s no concern to you.

• Racist, homophobic, hypocritical biggots who have the AUDACITY to call themselves “Christians” need to have reality slap the fuck out of them. If you’re a true Christian and you’re not racist or homophobic, this isn’t to you. This is to the “Christians” who say if you’re gay, have premarital sex (which isn’t just intercourse, that’s messing around with people too), or if you don’t believe EXACTLY what they do, you’re going to burn in hell. I know SO MANY good, warm-hearted people who are so much more sincere and caring than a lot of Christians I know, and they aren’t perfect. They’ve had sex, they’ve had kids and aren’t married, they don’t honor their parents all the time, but they’re good people, they’re loving. And if there’s a heaven, they deserve to go there, even if they don’t believe in a God.

I realize I’ve made a LOT of mistakes. I’ve hurt people intentionally, and I’m sorry. I’ve done stupid things, gotten into more trouble than I could fix. I wasted a couple years of my life on something that I knew deep down would never work. I’ve bottled things up and let it out in all the wrong ways. Everyone thinks I’m so strong and tough and honestly they have absolutely no idea what I go through everyday and how helpless I feel most of the time.

I’ve finally found something worth living for, fighting for, a happiness of my own. And I REFUSE to let 6 months of dealing with shit deter me from it, I will not let the next few months wear me down and kill my self esteem.

I WILL make it through this.

People who turn into everything they hate.

Like if you hate a group of people then you turn into them. You once hated them for being such fucking bitches and now you’re just as bad, if not worse than them. Worse because they were bitches to begin with, but you’re a nice person, you have morals, or at least you USED to. Now you’re just an airheaded, badass-wannabe BITCH who feels good about yourself by putting other people down which is what made you separate from them in the first place. I miss the old you. The real you. Call me when she comes back. But until then, don’t talk to me, because the ways you’ve changed honestly makes me feel BAD for you. How pathetic and…LOW you’ve gotten. You used to be above all this. Guess things have changed.